From Three Months to Four Years: A Caregiver’s Unexpected Path
Four years ago, Derrick’s uncle had a serious fall and went into rehab. When he was discharged, he announced that he would be moving in with Derrick. What Derrick thought would be a temporary, three-month arrangement turned into a four-year ongoing caregiving journey.
Derrick’s life has been transformed to meet his uncle’s needs. A substitute teacher, Derrick values the flexibility of his job, which allows him to balance work with caregiving. His uncle is a veteran who has limited mobility due to significant knee and spinal injuries; he is also a cancer survivor. As a result, Derrick manages almost every aspect of daily living for him: cooking, cleaning, helping with bathing and toileting, doing laundry, driving him to medical appointments, and accompanying him on outings. To maintain what mobility his uncle still has, Derrick encourages him to stay active.
Because his disabilities were service-related, Derrick’s uncle qualifies for benefits from the VA. These benefits provide a vital lifeline: Derrick receives a stipend through the VA caregiver program, his uncle’s health care is fully covered, and a nurse and physical therapist visit weekly. The VA also offers social work support, aides, and a set number of respite hours each month, giving Derrick some relief.
Even with these supports, caregiving comes with serious challenges. Financially, Derrick feels the strain of higher grocery and utility bills. Emotionally, he struggles with the stress of adjusting his independent lifestyle to meet his uncle’s constant needs. The two often clash in personality, and Derrick finds it difficult to balance his own independence with the demands of caring for someone who is not always invested in his own care.
Right now, Derrick faces new uncertainty. His uncle is in the hospital, and VA rules require benefits to be used within 90 days or risk being revoked. Derrick worries about whether the benefits will be paused or if he will need to reapply, which was an exhausting and stressful process. He also fears losing the aides his uncle trusts, since it has taken time to build those relationships.
Through his experience, Derrick has a message for other family caregivers: take care of yourself. Don’t feel guilty for receiving compensation for caregiving. Even if you would do it for your loved one without pay, caregiving is still a job and having financial support makes it possible to keep providing care.
“I have to take my uncle into consideration, whatever I decide I want to do, whether it’s in the day or in the evening. I have to make sure he’s taken care of first.”
“If my uncle has an appointment on Tuesday my substitute job is flexible enough so I don’t pick up an assignment on Tuesday. But then if I don’t pick up an assignment on Tuesday, I don’t get paid for Tuesday.”
“The VA program I’m in provides me with respite hours, which I can use if I just need rest or to go our of town, and that in itself has been a huge help to me.”
“As a caregiver, you should be compensated for whatever it is you’re doing, because that is a resource and that can help you. And if you’re not taking the time for yourself, you can burn yourself out.”
